When I told my father’s mother that I was going to get a PhD, she asked me to reconsider, pleading with me that no man would want to marry a woman smarter than himself. I politely told her not to worry and knew deep down that whether she was right or wrong, I still wanted to pursue my degree. I figured, “Well, I don’t want to marry a guy who can’t accept me the way I am.”

It looks like neither of us was entirely wrong. An Op-Ed piece in the NYTimes just reported on a study that looked at the changing attitudes of men when looking for a spouse. Back in her time, her advice was right. Men preferred to “marry down.”

The research findings also showed that current attitudes are consistent with my own (sample-size-of-one) personal experiences both when it came to my chances of marrying and marital satisfaction. In other words, I did find a guy who would marry me and I am happily married!

What I didn’t like about the article was the illustration that accompanied the article.

I get that what the images are supposed to portray the two extreme choices. But in its summarizing manner, it leaves us with a false dichotomy: one or the other. When I look at the images, I think, I am sort of both. I like to knit and bake but I also read.

Women today have lots of choices. Thankfully, we don’t have to settle for dichotomous choices; we have multiple options.

When I look at my daughters, attitudes and choices are likely to be even more diverse for them. I am not sure how. But I hope that I will remember not to give advice that apply to my situation but may be irrelevant to theirs.

Research aside, individual choices are probably best not made in the past or heavily influenced by family, peers, etc. but within the current unique context.

Parenting can indeed feel very lonely at times. If you Google “lonely parent,” you’ll find numerous Web pages regarding single parents. Certainly not having a partner or spouse can be very isolating, but it isn’t the only way parents can feel lonely. A once-popular woman first among her friends to become a mom can feel it. An employed father surrounded by stay-at-home moms at a school function can feel alone. Parents whose children are in some way different from others can often feel isolated in a world that seems set up for “typical” children. And, I would imagine, even the pretty, talented celebrity mom in the magazines must feel lonely, especially when accosted by admiring (or envious) fans who think they know her based on the character she portrays.

Despite having friends, a spouse, and my family, and even though I very much appreciate my moments of solitude, there are definitely times when I feel quite isolated and alone.

Thankfully, as with other lessons I have learned from my clients, I have received an important one about loneliness from them…

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Happy New Year to all!

And, here‘s how the video was made.

Perhaps this isn’t feasible all the time. But, how about maybe just once or twice this coming year having a bit of Hawaiian Time? That’s my wish for you.

May you find some Hawaiian Time in 2012.

Peace, Joy and Love to you,
Stacy

“Great! He’ll learn a whole new set of coping skills dealing with her, skills he’ll need on the job and in marriage.”

She then adds, “Your child’s teacher spends nearly as many hours during the week with your child as you do. While you are the export on your own Nora or Eli, she is the expert on seven-year-olds and knows more about them than you ever will. By giving her the benefit of the doubt and resisting playing either offense or defense, you’ll have a better chance of making her both your both your and your child’s ally.”

These quotes come from pages 58 and 59 of her book, Blessings of a Skinned Knee, which by the way happens to be one of my favorite parenting books). In my tattered copy, these pages are bookmarked because I often find myself turning to them every time I hear about an “awful teacher” my child could have in the future. These passages allay my panic and fears and remind me not to borrow worries from a future that may not be.

Of course, our interactions with bossy people don’t only happen at this time of year; they occur year ‘round. And, mothers in particular seem to be easy targets for the bossy types who love to inform us how parenting “should” be done.

We all have the potential to be bossy and act so more often than we like to admit (I’m sure my husband, younger brother, and children would happily give you an earful about just how bossy I can be!)

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Here are my two favorite commencement speeches on the web:

The Fringe Benefits of Failure by JK Rowling:

http://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html

How to live before you die by Steve Jobs:

http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html

They are both worth watching…again and again

You may ask, “Why, then, do these women need a coach?” It’s a good question.

They usually come to me because there is either something missing in their lives or something they want to do even better. For some, it’s a career switch; for others, it’s making sure that they nurture a passion outside work and parenting. Others have a specific project they want to do well, like write a book or get their child into the right school without going insane (which, it seems, is no longer just a NYC problem).

So here’s my confession: I learn more from my clients than they learn from me. My clients’ collective wisdom is like a bottomless treasure chest. I use it to help each individual client. I also apply what I learn to my own life. And I share that in this my newsletters and blog posts.

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