College Freshman Stress and Depression: What Parents of Young Children Can Do As Prevention

I read a sobering New York Times article last week.  It reported that the emotional health of college freshman hit a record low.  Or, more accurately, the lowest point since the 25-year old survey had been administered.

How can these students who have surely accomplished quite a bit and have the means as well as the capability to attend college be so unhappy?

The article reminded me of Madeline Levine’s book, The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. She wrote the book after seeing so many unhappy adolescent patients…young adults who are accomplished and have been given so much from their well-intentioned parents.  She argues:

“Money does not contribute to emotional problems in our children.  It does not foster depression, anxiety disorders and substance abuse.  It is the culture of affluence–a culture that embraces materialism, values performance over learning and external motivation over internal motivation that overemphasizes competition, and offers a dearth of opportunities to see adults behave with compassion and integrity–that is sickening our children.”

Pain is a part of life. It is inevitable. We can’t shield our children from it.

What we can do is equip our children…teach them how to handle disappointments and when things don’t go their way.  Here are two suggestions, again based a lot of recent, ground breaking research.

1. Strengthen your child’s internal motivation:  “In environments where extrinsic rewards are most salient, many people work only to the point that triggers the reward–and no further.  So, if students get a price for reading three books, many won’t pick up a fourth let alone embark on a lifetime of reading.”  (Daniel Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us)
2. Focus on process not product:  “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence…by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work…. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong….  The best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning….  They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”  (Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success)

These are just two ideas that are fairly easy to implement each day as you go about your day.  And, while I can’t guarantee your children will be happy, I can say doing the above will help you help them get on the right track.

Sustainable marriages…and how to be happy

Tara Parker-Pope wrote an interesting article about how to sustain a happy marriage.

The findings were surprising because what sustains a marriage is having a spouse who fosters your own self-development.  In a nutshell, you are happier when your spouse enhances your improvement or helps you expand your horizons.

I recognize the article has been out there a while, but I think it’s worth mentioning here because nearly all the moms I talk to (myself included) want a happy marriage but sometimes seem to go about the wrong way in fostering it.

I believe the problem is that many women expect their spouses to make them happy.  In truth, the responsibility of making oneself happy lies with that person and not anyone else.

Moreover, happiness is a skill not a destination.

In other words, happiness is a skill that one needs to practice for him/herself every day.

Similarly, I think many moms also run into problems when they inadvertently or unknowingly think that when their children are happy they will be happy.  “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child?”  We believe that we can make our children happy, rather than help them learn how to make themselves happy.

I plan to write more about this in an upcoming article.  Stay tuned.

New Year’s Resolutions…why not to set them

Reflecting on all that I’ve learned from my mom friends, my clients, and even my own mom, I’ve decided that this year I’m not going to set any New Year’s Resolutions (NYRs).

I used to be a huge fan of NYRs, but now I’m not.  (I wrote about why in a more lengthy article here.  In short, I think sometimes they do more harm than good.  They are constant reminders of what’s not going right.  They remind us of what we need to fix.  And, this can leave us feeling depleted rather than energized.

Working with many moms, I’ve learned that the best way to create positive change in one’s life is to focus on growing the positives rather than fixing the negatives.

Sure, I have a lot I want to get done in 2011.  And, trust me, there’s a lot that needs fixing in my life.  But, the many moms in my life have taught me two things:

1. Even during tough times, there is a lot that is going right.  We just need to look a little harder.
2. When we celebrate and focus on what’s going right, that stuff seems to multiply.

So, this year, I suppose I’m resolving to simply celebrate.  I invite you to try the same.

May 2011 bring you lots of celebrations!

Stacy

P.S. If you would still like to set New Year’s Resolutions, please check this out first.